I’m not perfect, I’m learning just like you
In the work I do, there are often moments where I share my journey as a mum. Where I’m honest and truthful about the type of mum I was when the girls were little. About the decision I made in 2018 to shift how to connect with the girls.
There was a moment where it hit me, where I literally lost it over some spilled milk. I was a yelling, screaming lunatic. Then I saw fear in Miss J’s eyes and I knew in that moment I needed to choose a different path for myself. I needed to choose to communicate differently with the girls.
I was probably quite fortunate they were young at the time, because they were very forgiving. The outcome now, we have an amazing relationship, they share a lot with me (maybe a little too much!?!) and we laugh together, often.
Then this morning I was faffing around in my files and I came across one of my earliest blog posts, it’s from September 2018 called “Keeping On Purpose”.
When I look back on it, not do I remember these moments so clearly, but I realise how far I have come. I would like to share some of that post, because hopefully I can help you understand that I’m not perfect. I am learning, every day, just like you.
In this old post I start by asking, what is my purpose? The following is from that post:
“Firstly, I am trying to change the way I communicate with my girls. I find my “go to” is a raised voice, telling them what needs to be done, NOW! Ugh! Sigh! My style is not helping them, and it’s definitely not helping me.
So I have been focusing on keeping calm and speaking differently, but also trying to shift my position to positive comments. I’ve read loads on this topic, and the articles and books are always a good kick up the butt, but I don’t seem to be able to make long term changes.
Then I realised it can’t just be how I say things to the girls, it has to be what I do with the girls as well. I need to play more. I need to just let them be kids more. I need to find ways to make everyday life fun!
In practical terms, yes I sit down with them and get out a board game instead of washing the dishes in the sink (they can wait). I make time, and I ask them if they want to help me cook/bake, and most of the time they do. Miss J is all about family parties at the moment, last weekend it was making meringues and decorating them. This weekend it was putting on the disco lights for a dance party (after bedtime!!!)
Then Sunday was hot, and hubby was at work, so I let them play with water on the balcony, which culminated in them wanting to wash the balcony tiles and windows - they loved it! I loved it! We were laughing, we were soapy, we were wet and we were dirty… the reward, a cold shower together!! It doesn’t sound like much, but it was such a highlight for them.
It’s still work in progress for me, but I really feel that I have turned the corner… I just need to keep the focus!”
This is just a small snapshot, but I really do want to illustrate that we all struggle with something. For me at the time it was how I communicated with the girls. I honestly can’t believe how different it is for us now, and thank goodness it is as they become teenagers.
The reason it is different now, is because I made a decision to change. I made the decision in that moment, when I saw fear in Miss J’s eyes that I could not continue the way I had been. I made the decision to become a better person.
I hope you’re getting where I’m going with this?
It was up to me. I couldn’t expect anyone else to show up and do it for me. I couldn’t wait for the right time. I couldn’t put it off. I had to make the decision for myself to change.
Change is never simple, as you will understand from that post, I had been making small shifts, but it wasn’t until I realise there’s a what and a how that I truly adjusted myself. But also it was important enough to keep the focus. It was important enough for me to make the shift a priority.
Family and friends do look at us now, and they do say “what a great relationship you have”. It’s not by fluke, it’s because I made a difficult decision to change my habits and behaviours. Which started by shifting my attitude, my thoughts and my beliefs. I’m not perfect, not at all, but I am continuing to learn every day.
What are you doing right now in your life that isn’t the way you want it to be? What habits have you formed that aren’t serving you well? Are you going to be brave enough to make a decision to change?
It is a choice, and right now that choice is yours.
If you would like support, I am here for you. Simply reach out, DM me on social, drop me an email. If you want to shift, to change, I would love to help you do it! You’ve got this!
